I landed on my heart and there's a huge goose egg on it. The friend who broke my heart into little bitty pieces didn't do it because he wanted to control me. He did it because he relapsed into his addiction. And really, I broke my heart more than he did because I'm the one who chose to walk away.
The emotional roller coaster looping around substance abuse is different from the one encircling domestic violence.
The only thing they have in common is the possibility of losing myself either on The La-La Trail of relationship abuse or in the pit of substance codependency. But at the end of the crap, I must remember that surviving abuse is my super power.
I left my abuser and found a healthier life; I'll never ever regret leaving. Although surviving abuse and then leaving it carries its own type of trouble, I'd rather live the life I'm creating for me than the life he wanted to create for me.
Kellie, funny I should read this today. This morning noticed myself straining to hear how my husband was breathing. If he breaths faster and nasally, there's a good chance he'll go me about something. So what you said about the boots, oh boy, I get it! As for the rest of your post, I get that too. It doesn't take much conversation with people to know that everyone is carrying a load of something that's difficult to deal with. I know that if, or when, I leave, I will exchange one set of difficulties for another. The new issues may be something I can't even envision yet.
Right now, my pros and cons lists keep me here. I appreciate your honesty. It's good to be reminded that there will still be troubles. Most of us know that anyway. Peace, love and light on the roadway ahead to you. The book "Trust After Trauma" by Aphrodite Matsakis helped me to begin the trust needed to be in a relationship - as a male abused by some females Take care, Mike www.
Hi Kellie, I'm so glad that you posted this. Everyone thinks I should be happy that the ex is out of my life but there are so many things that remind me of him and the abuse. I think my euphoria lasted about a month before I realized what really happened to me. I'm so glad that I'm no longer in the relationship but I'm not sure how my past will impact future relationships.
I did so much research on abuse after leaving the relationship, so now I'm very careful about figuring out what people are really saying.
Life after abuse is still difficult but in a different way, I hope is better for both of us. Thanks for this article. I left my abusive husband when my kids were age 3 and 5. It's been a long hard slog particularly financially. All these years later, he is doing so well that he can take the kids overseas once a year. He continues to appear and present very well and I find myself wrestling with whether I did the right thing.
He's in a relationship where it's looking like they are very happy while I continue to be single after a long line of more abusive drop kick men. I'm rebuilding my relationship with my family, and I take time out to do things I enjoy, and that makes me feel good. The biggest change in my life is that I only allow people into my life who mean something to me. I've learnt to walk away from anyone who hurts me or tries to own me.
What I've been through has made me stronger, has given me a different outlook on life, and has taught me lessons I may not have otherwise learnt. When you walk away seeing yourself as a stronger person than before, that's what makes you a survivor, not a victim. This can help if: How the abuse started I'd had a very unconventional upbringing. The abuser left, but the damage remained When I was 14, my own personal miracle occurred: I believe that one day things will be different Nothing will ever fall into your lap while you're waiting.
What can I do now? Learn more about seeking professional help.
If you have moved to a different area, they will probably have to attend a new school and make new friends. They may be finding it really difficult to cope with all the changes in their lives — such as leaving their home and friends, and perhaps some of their possessions — and they will look to you to give them the answers they need.
Now you have only yourself and your children to consider — but you may find it frightening suddenly to be responsible for making your own choices. It is important for you to understand that it was the person that hurt you that should be held accountable—not you. I haven't seen or heard from him since then. Some survivors keep the abuse a secret for many years. But you need to remember who you are, your self-worth and your inner strength in order to overcome all of this. For the purposes of this blog post, the italicized him is that loathsome entity who wished to erase my soul. RAINN partners with 1in6 , an organization that helps men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences live healthier, happier lives.
On the other hand, you may find it a helpful distraction, or even see it as a reason for carrying on. Be as honest with your children as possible; let them know how you are feeling and tell them that you love them. Although your children will undoubtedly be relieved that the abuse has stopped, they may still miss their father or step-father, and may blame you for taking them away from him.
If they want to see him, that is fine if you feel it is safe for them to do so; but do look at the chapter on Making arrangements for children after separation if you are afraid that any contact will put you and your children in further danger. Young Minds provides information and support for young people themselves.
Other organisations are listed in the sections on Children and domestic abuse. Some of the practical information is out of date, however.
From victim to survivor, hear how one young person refused to let their history of sexual abuse determine their future. Every stage of healing from abuse is different. The first and most important step is accepting what has happened and making the decision to.
This book also includes some ideas for meeting new people and making new contacts and friendships. You may find it helpful to read accounts of other women who have survived domestic abuse. Joseph Rowntree Foundation; summary available at http: Edited and adapted from the original American edition by Jane Hutt. Information and support What is domestic abuse? How can I help my children? Our projects Ask Me Ask Me: Join the scheme Ask Me: Community resource hub Ask Me: But that is unlikely to happen straight away. Looking after yourself Treat yourself gently: